My “Gay” Story

jdiamondisme:

fyuactually:

nevershoutandy:

If your interested in yet another gay story combined with a coming out story keep reading. =) Otherwise, go fuck yourself. LOL. I have to warn you guys in advanced, my story is hella cliche when I think about it. Since most of the people I follow, whom a lot follow me back, are gay, there is a chance you’ve read or experienced a similar story. Regardless, here it goes.

The earliest “gay” attraction I remember having was when I was reallly young, pre-kindergarten. I remember thinking about the possibility of just having a love with a guy like that of my parents at the time. I would dream of that, not really knowing the significance of it, and would just go on with my life. Specifically, I remember a man taking care of me and me doing whatever it took to please him. But absolutely nothing sexual, I had absolutely no idea about the concept of sex. Looking back, I don’t know the significance of that dream. I have/had not any attraction toward ‘men’ per say (like 30+) and I certainly didn’t have crushes on men back then. Perhaps I was just looking for a father figure to protect me. I had my dad but he was always working, so (in a way) my mom raised me. (Quick, somebody call the nurture over nature debaters.)

My earliest, real crush, happened in kindergarten. His name was Reuben. I know this because I still have my kindergarten class picture (and I must say, the kid was a little cutie.) Back then I liked boys. I was still innocent at that age. LOL.

The first “physical” attraction occurred between 1-2 grade. This time the fantasy contained a boy whom I lived near. This dream/fantasy consisted of us taking a shower together. But that was it. Once again, nothing sexual. At this point in my life my mind still did not comprehend the actions, just the feelings. I couldn’t explain them, and frankly, I saw nothing wrong about feeling that way. Childhood naivety at it’s best.

Did I ever have a girl crush? Yes, I did. But, to be honest, I’m not sure if it was a real crush. She was everybody’s crush in fourth grade and I have no idea if it was real or if it was forced to fit in. What I did know what that I had a major crush on her “boyfriend”, one of my good friends back then.

It was in these later days that I finally learned what “gay” was. Actually, it was the first time I had come across that word. “You’re so gay.” “Faggot!” I had no idea what these words meant, I just knew that being called ‘gay’ was a bad thing. It was at this point that I began slipping into the closet.

This entire time all I knew was that boys liked girls, not other boys. And frankly, I was fine with that. I figured that eventually I would find a girl I liked as much as the boys I had liked in the past. It wasn’t until 6th grade that I really started noticing that I, was in fact, gay. And from what I knew from the other kids in school that wasn’t a good thing.

I had a number of childhood “encounters”. They were awkward but kids experiment, right? Looking back, a lot of my childhood friends (if these encounters were any indication of their true orientation) could be gay today… Who knows? LOL.

Middle School, in terms of my orientation, was no big deal. I had a girlfriend for a week, whom I “kissed” once. Throughout this entire time, though, I obviously had crushes on certain people around me. But these crushes remained crushes. I had to pretend I was straight to fit in with the rest of my friends. Being gay meant getting fun of, that wasn’t a good thing. Especially in middle school, the time of our lives where we, above all, want to fit in.

I never told anybody any of this. The feelings I was experiencing or anything. I was raised in a Catholic home. Thinking back, to me that truly made no difference. I really didn’t know the church preached against being gay until later and my parents never really told me ‘gay was wrong’. They just did the standard ‘who’s your girlfriend’ type thing. In my mind that translated into: my parents might think liking anything but girls is bad.

High school (freshman and sophomore year) continued this closeted trend. I joined the GSA club because I was interested in other gay’s around campus. I felt like it might be a place to see where other people that have gone through similar things could discuss what I didn’t know. I always told everybody I was straight though, I did not want to be labeled gay. At this point in my life I truly believed being gay was bad. I truly experienced self-denial to the utmost extremity.

Two things in my life caused me to come out: 1. I had recently ended a friendship with someone close to me. I figured, this person was the only person I truly cared to hear their opinions on me from. I’m not friends with them, fuck it. and 2. Joey Diamond.

The second option may sound kind of weird. But I was really lost after I ended the friendship. I remember searching through MySpace and coming up on J.Diamonds profile and reading his about me. I sat there thinking to myself, “Here’s this really cute, hot guy that doesn’t care about what the world thinks. He only cares about himself. Why can I not do that?” I figured he had more to lose than me in terms of coming out so that same night I took the first step to getting out of the closet: I posted a MySpace bulletin. LOL.

I was hesitant so I posted it around midnight. A few people read it and commented me back with support. I was ecstatic. Here I was, all these years, thinking I would be chewed up for coming out. And yet the responses from everybody where the opposite. I remember telling my closest friends, and although most truly didn’t expect it from me, they were supportive and respectful. People that were surprised by my coming out amused me. I was kind of proud about my deception, it obviously worked.

Word got around eventually and more and more people found out. Nobody really ever talked shit, thank god. Everything was good. I wasn’t vocal about my homosexuality though. I really kept it to myself. I figured it was only for me to know. To the world (back then) I was bisexual.

That’s always been my problem with my homosexuality. I still care about what people think. I have my good friends (my brothers) but yet still want to feel acceptance from my fellow peers at school. I’ve always felt that my homosexuality might ruin such friendships. To this day, I am not really out to everybody. I am posting this, not on my personal blog, but on my public one because my private one is connected to my Facebook. I feel I will eventually learn to be cool with saying, “Yeah, I’m gay.” without hesitation.

The hardest part of this entire story had to be my coming out to my parents. In recent years, my mom was really pressuring me to act like a “man”. Get girlfriends, wear boy colors, etc. One day, I wore these glasses with pink on them and my mom chewed me out because of them. I angrily replied, ‘Sorry that I’m not the perfect son for you.’ This eventually turned into my confession that I was, in fact, gay.

Boy, I was not expecting the reaction she gave me. At first she was numb, it had not sunk in yet, and then she showed her true colors: anger. I have never seen my mother as angry as I did that afternoon. So many curse words were flung at each other, so much was being shouted, it was bad. At one point, I ran outside of the house with intentions of never coming back. My little sister, 11 at the time, came out asking me if I was leaving. I said, “I don’t know. Mom obviously doesn’t like me being gay.” To which she replied, “Please don’t.” with tears in her eyes. My sister is the one thing I live for in this life. I knew that I could handle whatever my mom dished out; my sister, not so much.

My dad, later came home. When he first entered, he was happy, asking everybody what was wrong. He then saw me and asked me why I was crying. I looked at him and asked him, “Dad, will you love me no matter what?” “Off course son, why? What’s wrong?” “Dad, I’m gay.” He was caught off-guard as well.

My dad’s reactions were like a roller coaster. He was definitely the more understanding out of the two. I knew, no matter what, I had my dad on my side. My dad was watching my mom’s reaction throughout this entire time (their marriage had already been deteriorating) and he definitely defended me. A lot was yelled throughout this entire conversation as well. I remember specifically saying to my parents, “Look. You can kick me out right now. But just fucking watch me. I am going to go to medical school and become a successful doctor. And I WILL come back one day and knock on your front fucking door and show you the diploma that I earned WITHOUT YOU.”

The conversation, ultimately, ended with my parents fighting with each other on their marriage and each other. Blame was pushed. Failures brought up. At this point, I just kind of sat back. Honestly, I was happy I wasn’t getting the shit end of the stick. I defended a lot of what my dad said but speaking to my mother was… ugh, it was just different. She wasn’t my mother. I didn’t know that woman in front of me. And frankly, I was angry at her for the way she was reacting. Especially, since a week earlier she had told me she would accept me no matter what. Bullshit.

My mom ended up taking me to Wendy’s because we were hungry after all this. I watched Love of Siam with my sister and my dad hugged me, saying he would love me no matter what. I felt good for once. I felt free. I had done the impossible.

If I could, would I take it back though? Yes. I would.

My mom still hasn’t accepted it, nor won’t ever for that fact. I’ve been a real bitch when it comes to the topic, giving her almost hope that I’ll get a girlfriend one day. There’s no one to blame for that than me. I try too hard to please her, sacrificing my true self in the process. Two days ago, we (along with my grandma, two cousins, and three aunts) were watching a video where they were picking out people for each other. My cousin asked my mom which girl was for me. I could definitely see the effect that question had on her. It was almost as if I could read her mind.

I still have a lot to grow. A lot has to be done still in my quest for self-acceptance and achieving the acceptance from my parents, mainly my mother. I just hope that the upcoming college years will help in someway.

Wow, this is one long post. I really don’t expect anybody to read this. Thanks if you do though.

I loved reading this, seriously. Coming out stories are the best.

"I really enjoy spending time with you, even if we’re just going to be sitting around and talking about nothing. There are a million things I love about you, like your nose or the way you smile, the way you look me in the eye, too. And I just get the greatest feeling when I make you laugh. I feel as if my company makes you happy, and that’s what I wish for you. For you to be happy. And when I see you laugh at my clumsy ways, it just makes me want to spend the rest of my life with you so I can see a smile on your face."

itsbettertorecognize:

rblogs:

As I’ve grown, I’ve learned several things. Life’s full of disappointments & people you trusted will sooner or later let you down. I’ve learned that often those you love will love someone else & there’s only one way to fall; fast & hard. I’ve learned that out of thousands of smiles, it takes one to touch your heart. I’ve found that words can be deceiving, but the truth always lies in a person’s eyes. I’ve learned that everything can change in the blink of an eye & tears often come without invitation. I’ve learned crying can make us stronger & there’s never too much love to go around. I’ve learned that prejudice helps no one & that weapons don’t hurt people, people hurt people. I’ve learned sticks & stones may leave cuts & bruises but harsh words leave scars. I’ve found that every time you give someone a piece of your heart, it’s a piece that you’ll never get back. I’ve learned the past is meant to be put behind us & we can’t dwell on regrets, for what’s done is done. I’ve learned that trusting yourself is the first step & that forgiving is remembering that helps your own heart more then theirs. I’ve found that family isn’t always blood & everyone is someone’s hero. I’ve learned life’s unexpected & that God can do anything. I’ve learned some things aren’t meant to be understood & that only time heals. I’ve found that imagination is our greatest gift & that we’re meant to dream for a reason. I’ve learned it’s never too late to fall in love & that being “beautiful” is all on the inside. Mistakes are our best teachers & everything happens for a reason. Only then can you live life to it’s full & true potential. -Unknown

Y’all gonna have your ups and downs but you need that, it makes the relationship strong. What’s a relationship if it ain’t been put in the fire yet?

itsbettertorecognize:

(via smileforvi)

Thoughts on friends with benefits.

shiftcomma3:

carmela:

So a couple of days ago, a certain Anonymous asked me about my opinion on FWB. I literally stopped for 5 seconds & as much as possible, gathered a few insights about this topic. 3…4…5. Eh, nothing.

So what I did was visited my friend Urban Dictionary.

Personally speaking, I have never really had much experience. One, I have always been in a relationship. Two, when a certain friend starts becoming ‘beneficial’ (asexual), we always end up being in a relationship. Three, uh okay, there’s no three. But due to having both male & female friends who seem to have more experience than me (in terms of having such) I think I might have picked up a thing or two that I can share.

Almost a relationship, but not quite. You flirt, you hold hands, you kiss, you hug, you cuddle, you may or may not have sex, but are you an item? Close, but no cigar. There’s no verbal agreement that you’re each other’s boyfriend/girlfriend. You ain’t exclusive & commitment is definitely out of the question. And what more? No I love yous are to be heard and, or said. And this my friends, should always be understood by both parties. 

One of my good friends ALWAYS seem to fall into this kind of uncertainty. Let’s just call him B. So B’s recent encounter of this one lady, was something that didn’t catch me by surprise. As far as I know, they would only really hang out when B gets off work at 11, 11:30 ish at night, until the break of dawn. As B’s really good friend, I did my routine speculation of that lady & of course, gave him a GO, even though I knew from the beginning, there were these little creatures in my stomach that chanted, “FWB! FWB!”. I warned him, but who am I to shut his hopes down? Right. 

I hate to say “I told you so”, but in the end, B’s ‘friend’ wasn’t quite ready for a serious relationship (even though they pretty much acted like it). She gives him a courtesy call (Call, Ok? Not meet up) and this lady is never to be heard of ever, again. What did I tell you? Close but (still) no cigar. 

Surely B’s burned, torn, confused & has every right to question her decision. But since there was no formality to what they really are and where they stand, it’s really hard to challenge it. After all, they were just friends, right? 

I think this kind of situation can happen pre-relationship & post relationship.

Sometimes, when you begin to develop that certain attraction to your “friend”, you kinda just want to try it out, test the water a little bit. Sign the paperwork, get the keys & take it out for a test drive. And if it works, it works. If it does not, well… Shit happens.

Let’s drive this baby up back to the dealership, no questions asked. 

On the other hand, maybe this happens after a break-up. Both still love each other and can’t let go, but at the same time, both wants to know what’s out there. So you choose to stay as friends (but act as if you’re together).

And if this works out for the two, by all means.

For a time being, it could be fun. Especially if FUN is the only thing you’re looking for, at least for now. But just watch out, ‘cause it may just get complicated, too.

But Carmela, how can this get complicated? I mean, it’s pretty simple to me…

One. There’s a big chance you or that other person could actually fall for one another, and when you realize that, you are stuck in this place where you don’t clearly know what THEY want. Worse, you start not knowing what you, yourself want. One day, you can wake up wanting to be with that person and actually want a commitment. When that day comes, he or she may not want to and you fear that demanding that exclusiveness will cost you - him or her. 

Two. Since we established that you aren’t together, you are also in no place to question his or her faithfulness & loyalty to you. ‘Cause believe it or not, he or she may have other ‘friends’ too. You can’t get jealous. You can’t demand his or her full on attention. You can’t really expect your ‘friend’ to be there for you twenty four seven. And if you do & they don’t like that idea? He or she can just runaway from everything, just like that new Toyota Camry you just test drove. 

Three. There’s really no worse game than the waiting game. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for something to change. Waiting for the day he or she realized they want more out of this ‘friendship’ than benefits. Just… waiting.

Personally speaking, I fucking dread waiting. 

Four. This situation always sucks for the one who wear their heart on their sleeve. Not only ‘cause you fall, but fall fast. You fall hard. You fall really really hard. And when this happens, it’s hard not to get emotionally attached to that certain someone & it becomes really difficult to face this type of dilemma. And this is the part where you question your relationship’s potential, or if it can be called that at all. 

Lastly, this calls for a scary situation. Not so much of you getting scared to get rejected or be said “no” to. And it’s also not so much of you getting scared to get hurt. I know at least one point in time, we have all been rejected & gotten hurt, so those feelings could be familiar to us. But like they always say, the greatest fear is the fear of the unknown. And in this case, that’s pretty much THE case. Stuck in the middle, stuck in maze. Stuck in a place of pure uncertainty. And just like waiting, I absolutely hate getting stuck.

While some like having friends with benefits, some like being in a relationship. Some prefer ‘no strings attached’ and to some, better than nothing, right? Some might think it’s solely for fun & some just don’t have a choice. Some might just be blinded by their cynicism towards the idea of settling down, love, etc, and some - a trial & error thing.

But whatever your reasoning behind this, just make sure you and your friend are in the same page, and have mutual understanding of where you both stand. How much of a risk you are willing to take. Its important to be on the same boat & know what exactly it is that you both want. After all, you guys are friends, right? You guys should be able to figure that out. 

-Carmela

You often find yourself cutting off ties with certain people, going on your way and suddenly realizing one of two things; Either you’re better off or you should have gotten over your pride and let them back in your life.

lyssmendoza:

carissajavier:

(via where-the-heart-is)

Y’all gonna have your ups and downs but you need that, it makes the relationship strong. What’s a relationship if it ain’t been put in the fire yet?

itsbettertorecognize:

(via smileforvi)